How to Write a Letter to Someone Who Hurt You: A Guide to Letting Go
Writing a letter to someone who has hurt you can be one of the most powerful tools for healing and closure. It allows you to express your emotions, take control of your narrative, and begin the process of letting go. In this guide, I’ll walk you through the steps of writing that letter—whether you choose to send it or keep it as a personal reflection. This exercise can help you find peace, regain your self-respect, and move forward.
1. Review the Relationship Narrative
Before you start writing, take a moment to review the story of your relationship with this person. Be honest with yourself about how the relationship started, evolved, and ultimately hurt you. Think about the good times and the bad, the moments where you felt valued, and the moments where things went wrong. By reflecting on this narrative, you begin to create a clear picture of what this person meant to you and where the pain came from.
Tip: Try to keep your review balanced—acknowledge the positives, but don’t shy away from the hurtful moments. This isn’t about blaming yourself or rewriting history; it’s about clarity.
2. Identify the Grievances
Now that you’ve reviewed the relationship, identify the specific grievances you have. What actions (or inactions) caused you pain? Was it a betrayal, a lie, neglect, or constant disregard for your feelings? Be specific. The more you can pinpoint the moments that hurt you, the more effective this exercise will be.
Example:
"You promised to support me when I needed help, but when the time came, you were nowhere to be found."
"I trusted you, but you lied, and that betrayal broke me."
3. Acknowledge How It Felt to Be Hurt
Here’s where you pour your heart out. Write about how it felt to be hurt, ignored, or wronged by this person. Was it heartbreaking? Did it make you feel small or invisible? Use this space to express the emotions you’ve carried—anger, sadness, disappointment, frustration. This is your chance to release the burden you've been carrying.
Example:
"When you ignored me, I felt like I wasn’t worth your time. It made me feel like my emotions didn’t matter."
"Your actions shattered the trust I had in you, and I was left feeling betrayed and unworthy."
4. What Would You Like Back?
This section is all about reclaiming your power. What is it that you feel you lost in this relationship? Maybe it’s self-respect, maybe it’s trust, or maybe it’s financial or emotional support. This is your moment to express what you wish you could have back. In some cases, you may realize you don’t want anything in return—just the peace of letting go.
Example:
"I want back my self-respect. I allowed your treatment of me to erode my confidence, and I want to reclaim that."
"I realize now that I don’t want anything from you. What I need most is closure."
5. Revising the Letter: The Second Draft is Key
Your first draft of this letter may come out as a mess. That’s okay. Often, when we begin writing about painful experiences, it’s hard to know how we feel. You might find that your identity has been tied up in the hurt or grievances you hold against the other person. This is normal, and the act of writing helps bring these feelings to the surface.
But here’s the thing—your mind may have trouble letting go. It’s tempting to get stuck here, to let the first draft be the final word. Don’t let it off the hook so easily.
If you’re feeling confused or unsure about the letter, take a break. Stop writing. Reflect on how bad it was, or even better, talk to a therapist to help you process these emotions. Ask yourself honestly: Do I really want to let this go? That’s the real question you need to answer.
Once you’ve reflected and given yourself time to process, come back to the letter. Now, write your second draft. This second draft is where the real work happens. You’ll find that this next version is often the most important—because now you’ve processed your emotions and are ready to let go.
6. The Conclusion: Letting Go
End your letter with a sense of finality. This is where you decide that you are ready to let go of the pain, anger, and resentment. Let the person know (even if they’ll never read it) that you’re no longer going to carry this hurt around with you. This step is crucial in healing—it’s the emotional release that will help you move forward.
Example:
"I release the hurt you’ve caused me, and I am ready to let go of this pain. I no longer need you in my life to feel whole."
What to Do with the Letter
Now that you’ve written your letter, you have a few options for what to do with it. Here’s how to proceed:
1. Send It You can choose to send the letter to the person. Sometimes, the act of expressing your feelings and sharing your truth can bring closure. Be prepared for the possibility that you may not get the response you hope for—and that’s okay. This process is about your healing, not theirs.
2. Keep It for Yourself If sending the letter doesn’t feel right, keep it for yourself. This letter can serve as a powerful reminder of the emotional release you’ve experienced.
3. Hold On to It and Revisit It No matter what you choose—sending it or not—keep a copy. Save it on your phone, print it out, and place it somewhere you can access easily. Whenever you feel the pain resurface, read the letter and remind yourself of the work you’ve done to process your emotions. This serves as a way to reaffirm that you’ve released the power this person once had over you.
Letting Go for Good
Now that you’ve written the letter, your work isn’t done. Healing takes time, and letting go is a process. You’re no longer checking in on the pain or waiting for something external to bring peace. With each read, remind yourself that you are working toward emotional freedom, and that eventually, this pain will lose its grip on you.
Letting go means allowing yourself the freedom to heal at your own pace. Whether you keep this letter as a source of strength or send it to the person who hurt you, you’ve taken an important step toward closure. This is your narrative now—one of self-respect, healing, and emotional resilience.
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