The Will of the Heart: Releasing the Fear of “What If”

Lex Enrico Santi, A Key Therapy LCSW, PLLC

(With gratitude to Matt Kahn)

In my practice, one of the teachings I return to most often—particularly with clients struggling with self-doubt, anxious thinking, or intrusive thoughts—is a talk by Matt Kahn titled The Will of the Heart. In this deeply compassionate lecture, Matt unpacks what he calls the most self-defeating phrase in the human language: “I hope this doesn’t happen.” The first time I heard this I was taking a drive to Philadelphia to meet my girlfriend's family--they weren't crazy about me. The video, my sister sent me, which you can watch here, is remarkable and was a paradigm shift for me.

A torn heart crafted from vibrant colored paper symbolizes resilience and the enduring strength of the human spirit.

This phrase is deceptively simple, yet many of us spend years unknowingly caught in its grip. Whether it’s fear of rejection, illness, failure, or uncertainty, this thought pattern forms the foundation of much of our anxiety. We brace ourselves against life, trying to manage or prevent future pain. Over time, this resistance becomes habitual. We scan for danger. We try to stay one step ahead. And yet, the peace we seek through control never seems to arrive.

Matt suggests that the real cost of this phrase is not the fear of the event itself, but the meaning we’ve attached to what would happen if it occurred. “If this happens, it means I’m unworthy.” “If this happens, it means I’ve failed.” “If this happens, I won’t survive it.” These aren’t just fears—they’re deep conclusions about the self. And they’re often rooted in experiences of shame, loss, or trauma. The more we invest in trying to prevent something from happening, the more power we give to that imagined scenario. And paradoxically, the more it begins to define us.

For many clients, especially those experiencing intrusive thoughts or difficulty trusting their decisions, this teaching provides a kind of relief. It offers a gentle but powerful reframe. Rather than resisting life, Matt invites us into surrender—not as a form of giving up, but as a practice of radical trust. “What if,” he asks, “the thing you fear the most is actually what you need to become who you’re here to be?”

In therapeutic terms, this is where we begin to shift from fear-based control to heart-centered alignment. One of the most practical tools Matt offers is a simple phrase: “In spite of my fear, the will of my heart is to be open.” This can be adapted for anything—grief, shame, illness, uncertainty. By repeating it, we’re not denying our experience. We’re reconnecting with something deeper: the steady, unwavering truth of the heart. The heart’s will is to remain open—not only when life feels safe, but especially when it doesn’t.

For clients stuck in cycles of avoidance or anxious anticipation, this practice becomes a kind of anchor. It interrupts the spiral of “What if?” and invites the body, mind, and nervous system into a more grounded state. It doesn’t magically remove all discomfort, but it does create space—space to breathe, to reflect, and to reorient toward presence.

At its core, this teaching reminds us that healing isn’t about predicting or preventing every possible outcome. It’s about reclaiming the part of ourselves that can meet life as it is—open, resilient, and awake. When we stop negotiating with life, we begin to live it. And when we stop trying to control what happens, we discover who we truly are.

Matt’s full lecture is available online and well worth watching. I use it often in my work, especially when supporting individuals who feel trapped by fear or doubt. It speaks not only to the mind’s need for reassurance but to the heart’s deep desire to be trusted. As a therapist, as a human being, I’m endlessly grateful for the reminder that no matter what life brings, we can always return to this quiet, empowering truth:

In spite of it all, the will of my heart is to be open.